These days, when I roll into the gym, I'm greeted with smiles by all the people who work there. The young ladies behind the desk break off their chatter, the trainers in the entrance stop what they're doing and they all crowd around the reception's computer as I hand over my card to be swiped. This is because The Beast has left a little message on the internal messaging system in my account. Whenever they swipe my card, my account details pop up with a little message on the screen.
"This is my brother. He can have a free towel, but only if he smiles nicely!"
They all then look up at my face expectantly. I crack a sheepish grim and hilarity ensues. Not content with turning me the colour of puce and making me collapse in a sweaty, smelly heap, The Beast has decided to turn me into a regular source of amusement for his colleagues. What japes! I suppose I should be grateful - he could have written a message saying that I only get a towel if I [DELETED IN CASE THE BEAST READS THIS AND WRITES JUST THAT - AND HE WOULD, THE LOUSY SOD!].
My other problem in the gym is that I've finally realised that The Genius function on an Apple iPod is anything but! For those that don't know, (so-called) Genius is a mode on iTunes which you can put on your iPod to make spontaneous playlists. You press play, activate Genius and then it look through your library and compiles a playlist based on what your listening to. In theory this means that if I select a nasty, horrible heavy metal track to scream at me through my headphones to take my mind off my lungs imploding, Genius will then follow that track with a barrage of aural viciousness. In practice, what Genius does, is select one more shouty track and then fills up the rest of the list with randomly picked tunes from my library. At least, that's what it fucking sounds like. How else do you explain it following "Spit It Out" by Slipknot with "The First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes?
For those of you who aren't familiar with these two songs, this is Bright Eyes:
And this is Slipknot:
Now imagine you're running along a treadmill listening to the latter. You're breathing heavily. Your internal organs are heaving. Your lungs are burning. Sweat is running off you in rivers. The stitch in your side feels like someone is trying to insert a rusty scalpel into your hip. Even if you don't like Slipknot, you can't argue that it won't keep you at least alive until the next song. Following that aural nightmare with the Bright Eyes however, is - I'm sure you'll agree - a bit if a gear change.
Actually fuck that! It's potentially life-threatening. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with Bright Eyes - after all, the doe-eyed little sod's music is on my iPod - but listening to him in full bloody flight on the cardio machines of death is like employing Nick Drake as a drill instructor for the US Marine Corp. It just doesn't work. And following Slipknot with Bright Eyes is like jumping a skateboard down a flight of stairs, only to have it stop suddenly against a loose brick in the landing zone which sends you flying face first into tarmac.
I couldn't find a clip to represent this, so here's one of the worst skateboarding accidents I have ever seen.
I love YouTube.