Gathering Dust

• My Miserable Existence Part 28: The Beast doesn't disappoint From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (58 days old)

  About halfway through my new workout with The Beast, I stare down at the treadmill's timer - marching towards ten minutes - and two thoughts occur to me. 1) I am not going to complain today. 2) Oh… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 27: Return to misery From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (60 days old)

  There haven't been that many posts on My Miserable Existence for some time now. This is because, up until recently, I wasn't living a miserable existence. I was travelling the world, sunning myself in… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 26: Genius? My Ar$e! From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (116 days old)

  These days, when I roll into the gym, I'm greeted with smiles by all the people who work there. The young ladies behind the desk break off their chatter, the trainers in the entrance stop what they're… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 25: Leg problems From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (126 days old)

  Well, as the midway mark of the year passes by, my weight now stands at 100kgs. If you think that's porky, keep in mind that I began this year on 108kgs so I have lost nearly 10kgs in the last seven m… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 24: Cycling through tar From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (145 days old)

  My right knee has been done in. It hurts when I bend it. The Beast has told me to stay out of the gym. This may prevent further pain in my knee but it is proving to be a massive pain in the arse. Mayb… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 23: Crazy Weights Club From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (166 days old)

  A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, when I was a fit, cut and handsome individual, I used to work out three times a week in a gym in South London. It was a good gym, a fine gym, and most … more

• My Miserable Existence Part 22: Pussy immune system From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (180 days old)

  It was late today that the symptoms started. It seemed okay for a spell and then I suddenly realised that more temperature had shot up, my throat was feeling scratchy, my ears felt blocked and OH FUCK… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 21: No smoking = improvement From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (186 days old)

  There's more to being unhappy than a vicious task master. There's also dietry concerns; ie not drinking any booze, not going out to dinner, avoiding lovely food like burgers, pizza, ice cream and anyt… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 20: Eye Of The Tiger From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (193 days old)

  My hands still haven't recovered. Yesterday they were fucking so painful, I had to quit writing early. Today I feel as though weights have been tied to my wrists and typing any other way than two-fing… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 19: Cashew nuts and a cliffhanger From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (193 days old)

  So the evil canteen at evil work has evilly started stocking an evil product. Evil, because I am now addicted to it. Every time I'm at the canteen's counter ordering a cup of what they laughingly sell… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 18: Having a shit in Tescos From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (200 days old)

  This bank holiday weekend I was very bad. Very bad indeed. Not only did I spend an awful lot of time imbibing the finest wines available to humanity, I spent at least a day plonked on my bum in front … more

• My Miserable Existence Part 17: 600 calories, bitch! From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (214 days old)

  Something has changed about The Beast's demeanor. He's always in a foul, sadistic mood when I see him, but today it seems there's something even more aggressive about him. This, I think, is bad news f… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 16: Cross Trainer Betrayal From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (221 days old)

  I used to love the cross trainer. Out of all the cardio machines of death The Beast used to torture me with, the cross trainer was my favourite. Not because using it makes me feel like I'm training fo… more

• My Miserable Existence (hiatus) From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (239 days old)

  My Miserable Existence is on hold until Monday, due to the fact that I went to New York for the week and this weekend I'm attending a wedding. This means that not only will I have missed gym for an en… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 15: High-Kick Doll Fail From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (248 days old)

  The Beast is lying on the floor on one of the gym mats when I come in, with another trainer performing what looks like WWE-stylee knee drop onto his shoulder blade. This doesn't surprise me, really. T… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 14: Gyming With The Ubermensch From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (250 days old)

  Going to the gym can be a hellishly demoralizing experience. Not just because you find out that you're an out of shape Tub Of Lard with the lung capacity of a fish out of water with asthma. Not even b… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 13: Momentary Return To Reason From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (257 days old)

  My resolve is slipping. After living like a monk for the month of January I fell off the wagon with a resounding thump in February and dived the to bottom of more than a few jars down the pub. I drank… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 12: The Glutes! The Horror! The Glutes! From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (269 days old)

  I enter the gym at a run. I am late. The Beast doesn't like it when I'm late. He doesn't like anyone when they're late. He doesn't like anyone, frankly. I run downstairs to the change rooms, sling my … more

• My Miserable Existence Part 11: Sexual Arousal Vs Nausea From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (282 days old)

  After a month of self-help torture in the gym, I've noticed something about the music videos playing on the screens that face the cardio machines of death; the shittier the song blaring out of them is… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 10: Return To Hell From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (283 days old)

  The alarm goes. Bleary-eyed, I roll over and take a tentative swallow. Throat still feels like sand paper. I breathe through my nose. One nostril is still blocked. I swing my legs off the bed, take a … more

• My Miserable Existence Part 9: Sickboy From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (289 days old)

  My body hates me. That's okay, though because I'm beginning to hate my body right back. My muscles aren't in need of a break, they're saggy little dough-mounds who are holding me back. Nerve-endings a… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 8: Beyonce's Video Questions From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (293 days old)

  Today I learned humility. Or at least, I learned to gauge the mood of The Beast before I open my mouth. As the pair of us changed into our soon-to-be-sopping-wet-with-sweat gym clobber, I noticed him … more

• My Miserable Existence Part 7: The Beast Finds The Blog From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (297 days old)

  The Beast has a strange look on his face when he greets me at the gym. It's half-way between a grimace and a smirk and while it's hard to desipher which it leans more towards one thing is certain; the… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 6: Chair Of Doom From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (301 days old)

  I don't mind walking through the rain anymore - well at least on the days I'm seeing The Beast. By the the time we're finished with one of our sessions, I usually leave the gym looking and feeling lik… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 5: Singer Doll And Pink From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (304 days old)

  The Pussycat Dolls are hot. Sorry to sound like a sexist and woman-objectifying S.O.B. male, but they are. When they first oozed onto the mainstream's radar a few year's ago I was immediately struck b… more

• Not for all the tea in China... From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (306 days old)

  We're not even out of January yet, and already we have a contender for the most batshit crazy story of the year. The story was centered around the shenanigans in the football (and by football I mean p… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 4: Helmet Dulls Pain From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (307 days old)

  The Beast is laid up at home with a fever and so I need to motivate myself. I don't know which I find more sickening; the fact that he expects me to go through the hellish hour's worth of cardio we di… more

• My Miserable Existence Part 3: Stay Alive. God, Just Stay Alive. From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (310 days old)

  I now check my phone last thing at night and first thing each morning. Due to the whims of The Beast and his client base my gym appointments are subject to change at a moment's notice. The Beast also … more

• My Miserable Existence Part 2: Try Not To Cry From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (312 days old)

  Monday started badly. I had a one and a half hour session with The Beast scheduled in for midday. This meant I could start my day off lazing around in bed, taking around two hours mentally preparing m… more

• My Miserable Existence part 1: And So It Begins... From Jeeves in Gathering Dust (316 days old)

  At 10:47pm the mobile phone beeped at me. It was a message from The Beast. "Hey there, can you bring in that Homicide Book for me tomorrow? Cheers! TB." I had workout session/hour of pain sched… more

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